Over the last 2 months, I've really come face to face with the battle of being a Mommy and being a teacher. To be completely honest, before I proceed, I have to admit I feel guilty as a mother that I even have this debate in my head. I've been wanting to blog about it for awhile though because I'm willing to bet there are other teachers out here who experience the same thing.
When you are a mother and a teacher, you play two very important roles for children. Teachers who are mothers have two sets of "kids."
First and foremost, I am a mother to the most precious little boy who I love more than I could have ever imagined. There are no words for the joy I feel when I chase him around the house and he's cracking up, or when he learns new things, or pats momma on the back when he hugs me or when he says "Bye-bye" when I hang up the phone in the sweetest soft voice. I LOVE being a MOM and I especially love it when I see how much my baby loves his Momma. Being a mom is truly a blessing that I will be forever thankful to God for.
On the other hand, I am a teacher to my other set of kids. When you are a teacher (especially a female teacher), I think there is a sense of motherhood that comes along with it. I know this is not the case for all teachers but it definitely is for me. I feel a lot of the same emotions with my students that I do with my own child: Pride when they do something great, disappointment when they let me down, excitement when they accomplish something, etc. I am blessed that I can honestly say I LOOOOOVE my job! And I love my kids! Well...most of em! 92 kids is a lot to love...you can't love em all! haha! Just kidding...even the ones who drive me the craziest usually have at least a little something I enjoy about them. I've always known that I wanted to be a teacher and but I never in a million years thought I would be a 7th grade science teacher, much less did I ever think I would enjoy being a 7th grade science teacher as much as I do. While my job can be mentally draining and stressful and my kids can drive me insane, I can honestly say there's always a handful of kids who manage to put a smile on my face even on the toughest days. I've said to some of my co-workers before that I think you have to be of a special breed of teachers to work with crazy hormonal junior high kids!
While I've always known I wanted to be a mother and I wanted to be a teacher, I did not foresee the mental and emotional tug between the two. I hate that I don't get to spend as much time with Rex as I would like to. I wish I could make the money I do (not that it's so much!) and be able to spend more time with him. At the same time, I genuinely love being a teacher and because I work with kids, I think there is more of an emotional attachment to my job.The last two months have literally been non-stop! Between March 5 and now, we've had cheer try-outs, spring break, two rounds of STAAR testing, 8 weeks of Cinco de Mayo practice and finally our big show we had today (Which was great, by the way!)During this crazy busy time, Rex unfortunately has gotten sick a couple of times. When Rex gets sick, there's a multitude of thoughts running through my head: As a mom, OF COURSE not only do I want to stay home but I NEED to stay home with my baby and take care of him. I am his mom, he doesn't feel well, he's clingy, he NEEDS his momma. But I'm also feeling the need to go to work. So then the teacher thoughts start running: Will my kids be on their best behavior if I stay home? How far back is this going to set me with curriculum? Oh gosh, I need to be there to help so-and-so with this assignment, etc, etc. Just like no one else can do your job as a mother exactly the way you would do it, no one else can do your job as a teacher exactly the way you would do it. The thing about being a teacher is that you are dealing with someone's child. That students you're dealing with are someone's world just like my child is my whole world. As a mom, I would want my child to have the best education possible with the best teachers who put their best effort in. While I have them for one year of my career, they have me the ONE year they will be in 7th grade. They don't get to say "Oh, I'll do that better or different next year" One really bad year for a kid can literally be a life altering thing for them (depending on the subject, of course). So as a teacher, I don't feel like it's OK to have a "bad year" because it's an injustice to the kids that had to deal with your "one bad year." For the record, I know missing a few days here and there doesn't automatically mean I I'm having a bad year and being a horrible teacher...but you get my point! Right? :)
Anyway, The debate is how to feel and what is "right" and what is "wrong." If I stay home, I'm feeling great as a mom but guilty as a teacher. If I go to work, I feel great as a teacher but horrible as a mom. I wonder so many things: Do other working moms feel this attachment to work? Is it just a teacher thing? Am I a workaholic? Am I a bad mom for feeling that attachment? Is there a happy balance between the two? On a more positive note I think...well...maybe it's a good thing as a teacher that I feel that way because it reminds me that I genuinely care about my kids and my job. Soooooo many thoughts!! It's crazy!
I know that my most important role is being Rex's MOM. He is number one! If he's ever super sick, without hesitation or question, of course I would stay home and put work in the back seat. It's the other not-so-serious sick times that I'm talking about :)
As I think about it more and more, I think what's hard is that I've always been a busy-body, crazy busy kind of girl, even as a kid. I was always involved in a variety of things in school and that has definitely carried into adulthood for me. I have a bad habit of wanting (key word is wanting, no one forces me into these things!) to be involved in too much sometimes because that's how I've been my whole life! I think because being busy and being involved in a bunch of things is so normal for me, it's kind of hard to turn that part of me off now that I'm a Mom because that's part of who I am. I need to work on finding the best balance between being the best mom and wife possible and still doing things that I as a person want to do and want to accomplish.
I can only pray that I make the right and best decision for all involved.
Sorry this was so long...had to get it out!
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